another change . . .

Today is my mother's 5th death anniversary. A lot of things changed when she passed away. I didn't noticed it at first but the change was a subtle conversion to what I have to get used to. Maybe it was her way of fading away from life as she was one of those who prepared for her death. A couple of years after she was diagnosed with cancer, she strongly embraced the uncertain change that was to come her way and probably she already felt how huge a change it will be for us.

It is very difficult now that she is gone. I miss her presence so much though I know that I took that for granted when she was just around even during the time she was sick. Sometimes I just freeze up when I can intensely feel her absence as those were times when I do not know where else to go to escape situations.

A toddler learns to walk fast when he can sense that for every fall he makes, he will be cushioned in the arms of his mom who constantly watch him struggle to take every step. The child usually dares to risk to take those steps with such sense of assurance. I don't have that anymore...

I have made so many calculated moves in recent years and once again have become repressed. Those moves though calculated are not always right but at least, it prepared me for possible outcome. I am just afraid that when I dare to risk, I might fall hard as I have done so many times in the past but there's a cushion to ease the pain in every fall then.

When a friend recently left our community, I told him that "every journey is about change... I pray that as you experience opportunities for growth and challenges, you also continue in allowing yourself to be held in the shelter of God!" This is an adaptation from something I've read in past that often remain in my thoughts.

This is what I need to embrace the change completely. And probably that thought frequents my mind from the whisper of someone who is prodding me not to be afraid to risk again.

She's still around and holding me as close as she can. I hope that I can be more sensitive to her presence - and be more faithful to be held in the shelter of God...