Sunday, November 30, 2008

a phase of comparison...

I was at the funeral of my classmate's dad yesterday. The mass was held at around noon as he was a retired military man and there was a gun firing ceremony held before he was lowered to his final resting place and the flag was then given to the wife. I didn't understand the whole thing but that's usually what they do but it wasn't as grand as I've seen it done in others. Maybe because there was too much distraction.

I didn't actually plan to attend the funeral as I've formulated a few excuses in my head but when I went to the wake the day before, I didn't see many people as I have seen when Nanay passed away. When I left the wake, my classmate told me that he expects me at the funeral and all my excuses seemed not good enough reason to miss it. I felt bad, I knew he wanted us, not just me to be around and I understand that for someone who lost a loved one. I knew he felt alone.

Of the 5 siblings, only 2 of them were there since the other 3 were abroad and they just left when their dad passed away. The sister who was around arrived from Mindanao so my classmate was basically left to arrange everything with her elderly mom.
I even became part of an impromptu choir.`The funeral wasn't all that prepared as the food wasn't enough for everyone - not that that is important but to be under the sun at noon can really wear you out. And the priest, sorry that I have to mention this, he referred to the dead as "it" the whole time he was delivering his homily and I think his stories about him was phony. And at the end of his homily he said: "I'll see you later..." (LOL!) I'm sure I wasn't the only one who thought it was funny but the others were better at hiding their amusement. It wasn't a comforting thing to say you know. Well, what I want to point out is that to be left alone when something like this happens is really difficult.

I was fortunate, no, in fact, very blessed that I was surrounded by family and friends when Nanay passed away. My father, brothers and sisters, nephews, nieces, aunts, uncles, cousins, priest-friends and more friends were there at the hospital. It was such a great comfort for us that we have each other in such a tear-jerking moment. It's in times like these that we really treasure, we feel grateful that we have invested in relationships, that my mother did.

I remember, there were several of us who went to get a good casket for Nanay at a funeral home that day and afterwards we headed to my cousin's place for lunch where we planned for the funeral. In the evening, my friends were there to prepare the place where Nanay will be positioned during the wake and they even brought with them stuff to make the place look beautiful and elegant. Fr. Neil came up with a list of priests who were scheduled to say mass for her everyday, a weeklong prayer for the wake was done by Fr. Andy. Food was abundant as her friends and relatives brought them. People came in flocks to pay their respects that we even have to close our street for a night to accommodate those who gathered.

I know my classmate and probably his dad have plenty of friends also but what I am saying is that as friends, our presence speaks a lot to another especially in dire needs. Nanay won a lot of friends to her side until her death. Even now, whenever I see them, they still express their concern for us and I thank God for such richness that my mother left us. Of course, I am not also discounting the fact that she comes from a big family but they are far less in number than the friends she has collected through the years. And they've been there for her up to her last breath.

Now, I have seen the difference. I have seen the importance of how we express or make our presence felt in difficult times. And I realized that I take my treasures for granted, aware that they will just be around when I need them. You know, sometimes we don't appreciate what we have until we experience a phase to compare it with. I am not getting younger and we know that we're old when we go to funerals more than we attend weddings. I just hope that I will spend the rest of my life expressing more of the gratitude and love for friends. And I hope I wont feel mushy about it when I do (hehehe!).

So, I hope my friends read this and will know that I am really immensely grateful for their presence in my life. Ok, I'll do better than this next time.

I often wonder who will be around when it's time for me to go... I am not afraid of dying but I am really afraid to be by myself when it happens...

Friday, November 28, 2008

another beautiful man...

nothing to post except this...

A BEAUTIFUL MAN
by Story Brooke Graschel

A beautiful man...
puts only God before you
sees himself in your eyes.
gives you his time.
cares enough to tell you, you're beautiful.
loves to hold you.
kisses you every morning when he wakes.
misses you during the day.
laughs at your stupid jokes.
will still run his fingers through your hair.
will give anything for that perfect dress.
treats you like a queen in public.
takes you to an old movie and stays awake.
loves to hold your hand.
stares at you while he eats.
doesn't see other women the way he sees you.
turns off the game to dance to your song.
cries because you cry.
gets worried if you come home late.
smiles when he is called a beautiful man.

nothing in the world as perfect as this.
just imagine and you will be in bliss...

Thursday, November 27, 2008

a day of atonement...


This is the busiest time of the year for me and I
can't wait to enjoy the long break next month. I haven't had much sleep and last night I was catching up with a friend 'til past 2 in the morning. I tried sleeping early before Bebot arrived but I can't because my mind is still figuring out how to finish a report that is already due. This is how my mind bothers me when I can't put together some work. Chatting with Bebot though was a good diversion considering that we covered so many issues in our lives with our thoughts wandering to different places and people. I'm so sleepy now but the other night, I already started writing about Yom Kippur - the something I learned from West Wing...

Of course, I am familiar with the Jewish celebration of the Day of Atonement,
simply known as the day to ask forgiveness before God. What I didn't know was the day before Yom Kippur is the day reserved to ask forgiveness between people. Jed Bartlet didn't know that and he was the president of the United States! (West Wing). They recite a prayer known as Vidui, a prayer derived from Scripture: "If a man or woman commits a fault against his fellow man and wrongs him, thus breaking faith with the Lord, he shall confess the wrong he has done..." (Numbers 5:6-7).

I also read from an article by the Rabbis for Human Rights (October 1, 2008), entitled Yom Kippur Vidui: "The viduis are intended to remind us of our sins in the hope that we will find the wisdom to do better in all that we touch in the coming year. The vidui during the High Holidays is intended to make us feel uncomfortable, to confront us with the wrongs we have done..."

This is just of interest to me because when I get to a point of being uncomfortable, I can say 'sorry' and sometimes even to the extent that I say it to someone that in my heart I didn't think I have offended. And when it's not heard or acknowledged by another, I just easily leave it at that. Through time, I have learned (and I learned hard!) to detach from feelings that will make the rest of my life demoralizing. I know that people I have become friends with in recent years will not understand that about me. And the hell I care. Really.

Someone asked me yesterday if the reason I didn't go to mass was because I have a spat with a friend at the office. I know that healing takes time so when that happens then 'thanks be to God!' As far as my feelings are concerned, if I'm NOT uncomfortable and I am done saying my piece, others will just have to get it over with when it's over. If I have caused them to be uncomfortable, it's not my place to bend my knees more than I have already done it. If man's judgment is to detest me, am I not worthy to come before God?!

"Yom Kippur is a day that we acknowledge to G-d that we are human... To be human, is to error, but to be holy is to recognize that a mistake has been made and to act upon this mistake to make amends." - Larry Fine

This journey didn't go this far the other night. And I really need to get some sleep...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

a look at nature...


Almost every night since the US election fever, I've been watching a few episodes of the West Wing series again. I can now understand the US Presidential election process better. You can actually learn a lot from watching this TV series but you'll have to buy the DVDs as it's been off the air since 2006. The complete set of the series includes 7 seasons.

I just noted this in one of the episodes I watched this evening, Oliver Babish, (played by Oliver Platt), a White House Counsel, while talking to the First Lady said:
"Nature is like a woman, it seduces you to its sight, sense and touch..."

I'll have another entry about a thing I learned from West Wing tomorrow. In the meantime, here's a look at nature...

1 - the view from the back of my brother's parish rectory

2 - this will be his new home, the Mt. Carmel Parish Church at Brgy. Calmay, Janiuay,Iloilo

3 & 4 - taken just outside St. Julian Parish Church, Janiuay, Iloilo (at the town proper)

Monday, November 24, 2008

a practice for affection...


Just came back from the new parish where my brother who is a priest is assigned for the next few years. Last night I was still in doubt if I was going to join in the send-off or not as I’m supposed to hold a meeting at the office today. When I called him last night I tried hinting th
at we might not be able to make it but he just seemed eager that we can join in the caravan of the parishioners. This was the first time that he asked us to come along as this will also be his first assignment as a parish priest so it was a bit hard to turn him down.

I’m not used to this kind of thing when I was young, I grew up not minding of being sent off to go to a new place or not. The airport used to be very near our house and we can easily get a cab to and from there. I usually travel with a group so I can easily hitch a ride to go anywhere. It's definitely not a 'liturgical act' to be done when a priest transfers to his next parish assignment and for the community to be obliged to do such practice as a way of saying 'goobye' or something. My point is - what's the big deal with this send-off!?!

It’s a first for us and it’s a good thing also that my father decided to come along. I know that my mother even if she was sick, she wouldn’t miss it for the world. She's kinda proud to have a priest-son, probably thinking him to be the redeemer of her other children. Well, it's not all the time that a mother really knows best - it can be the other way around... Anyway, we went, my father, my other siblings, my niece and I for the send-off along with several other parishioners from where my brother just came from. I was told that there were 17 vehicles when they left and 3 more vehicles joined in the caravan along the way.

The initial stop was at t
he main parish of the town proper where my brother’s former parish priest will be assigned. After lunch we took off to his new parish about 8 kilometers away. Actually, we took off earlier than the group because we wanted to see the place first. And wow(!), a very serene surrounding in the midst of farm lands. The fresh air and the cool breeze can easily put you to sleep. It’s such a beautiful country place that is so far from the city’s madness. The cellphone signal is difficult to locate, no phone lines and that means no access to the internet. So with that I can’t say I would want to live there forever but it’s really a nice rural getaway and very quiet.

We rested there for about half an hour before the rest of the group turned up. Once again there was a short welcome program at the church followed with a fellowship snack for everyone. It was fun to watch the gathering and I’m sure that my brother will be forever grateful for the time these people spared to do this for him. On the other hand, I thought maybe these people have had enough of him already and they probably just wanted to make sure that he is settled in the parish so he can never go back to theirs. Hmmm… makes more sense…
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Kidding aside, I think it’s just what it really is – the send-off is a practice that we do because we want to make sure that the person will be in a good place, in good hands of a new set of people who will take care of him, and probably in the best spirit knowing that those he left behind have sent their love with him in this new place he will again call ‘home’. Short of saying “you’ll be okay here… you will be alright”.

My brother looked happy when we were about to leave. I believe he was glad that we were just there during that moment. As for me, the moment was to understand a gesture that is important to people that I missed out feeling and doing. A lesson that it is important to be mindful of such practices because we may be passing on the act of doing it to the next generation but to those we are doing it for, we pass on a significant expression of affection that may just be a great source of encouragement when they embark on to a new journey.

It's too mushy for me than it is a big deal but evidently it was a huge thing for my brother...

Sunday, November 23, 2008

a possibility to whatever...


There's a possibility that one day I might not be able to remember words, people and events or that I might just be incapable to do what I do right now. Maybe sometimes you also experience some sort of a blackout when you write - no words in mind, reading takes a moment to comprehend. Maybe I acquired this from watching too much movies and koreanovelas or maybe it's just me getting old! But don't you ever think about not being able?!

I do and I think it sucks! As I'm older, I recognize the reality of losing my grip on being in control. That is life. And it really sucks! I need to stay in this moment of realization since this is something I never paid attention to. Maybe it will move me to do something different... or will influence some decisions ahead...

Wala lang, we'll see while I'm still able..

Saturday, November 22, 2008

a silent tribute...


I've been working on a presentation for a friend the whole day. Sometimes I think why I easily say 'yes' to requests when I'm asked even when things get so busy for me. The thing is, I get engrossed with what I do and I lose a lot of sleep just getting it done. I end up really exhausted afterwards yet so satisfied making me feel that it's all worth my time.

God must have felt the same when He created the world, the day and night, the oceans and mountains, the birds and the beasts, and probably was most impressed creating man. It wasn't as if He was creating all things bright and beautiful for others as requested but whatever made Him made us - He was satisfied.

It's not everyday that I have so much passion to work on things and usually I wait for time to drive me to get it done. Often my friends would say that it's not like me to plan what to do or what to make long before its deadline. I know it's not good to procrastinate but when I work on something for a long time, I end up altering it thousands of times that I don't get as much satisfaction with the outcome. That's just how my mind works and I have this practice of putting an idea together when I am persistently bothered by my thoughts - that's when I can beat the deadline and deliver my product.

And how long did God created us? 7 days?! No, wait, 6 days only as He rested on the last day and took time to marvel at His great works. Did the idea just popped out of His mind or did He plan us for a long long time?! He's a genius so however He planned or visualized creating everything around us is the most awesome design ever and will ever be made that will surpass many generations.

So I thought, will my works surpass my time? Will it be significant to others when I am long gone? You see, I rely on friends for the appreciation of my works apart from being a smug at times. They're there and are obliged to do so and good that I have collected a great number of their kind through the years.

Seriously, I do want that whatever we gain from others through their works can really be long appreciated. An appreciation that doesn't mean we need to return a favor because we owe it to them or that we have to constantly say 'thanks' whenever we see them - but to understand that whatever it was that was given us should not be wasted easily as time and effort was put into it to get it done. I do care that others will give my work its value. That it will be put into good use as they will be mindful that a great deal of work was involved to get such results. That's a silent tribute to its creator.

Whether it's an idea, a thing, or even just an accidental concept - whoever thought it have gone through experiences that we haven't, otherwise, we would have the same ideas and concepts. When a script is done then maybe keep it, you'll get something out of it when you make another. When an idea was put on the table, then know what it really meant from the one who placed it there so you can give a fair dealing to achieve it. Don't easily trash it. That's the legacy of every good work done and that's making it of essence.
So now I don't know how my thoughts maneuvered me to get here... maybe the point is this...

Is God happy with the way I live the life He created for me?!

Often, I just fail to appreciate it...

Friday, November 21, 2008

a day not so usual...


I want to leave a post here every day but nothing remarkable to share comes to mind...

Sitting in front of the laptop before my bath this morning, I thought I'd share about the movie I watched with a friend yesterday. It was dull and my story about 'a beautiful man' seemed more fascinating than its plot. But let me just say the movie house we went to was newly renovated; the seats more comfortable, better sounds and the lighting during the break was just right for the eye. Actually, we just wanted to checkout the place.

Arriving at the office, I was greeted with a stack of papers to read, sign and work on. So I just quickly browsed through our emails then moved on to the paper works. By mid morning, I've already talked to a few personnel having problems completing their evaluation sheets due to the work reshuffling the past months. It wasn't my call to do those and dealing with it is just a pain...

By half past ten I was done and that included writing a couple of letters to clients. After leaving the letters to my boss' secretary I decided to visit the boss in the hospital. I went with 5 other co-workers who tagged along. There was no visitor when we got there but his sister and an aid was with him. He told us about the tests he went through the past days and said that there was no serious diagnosis and he's feeling better. In fact, he was at that time waiting for the release order for him to leave the hospital anytime.

He offered us a mocha cake covered with thick yummy icing for snacks. The others were starting to dig in while I was updating the boss with office matters when a visitor came in. Great timing! So I offered him a seat and excused myself to join the feast. We were at the table just beside them enjoying our treat and I just can't help listening to their conversation intently. They didn't mind us prying of course as we were in a hospital room - it was a small place.

I learned that the visitor is a lawyer and he was released from prison a few months ago. I think he was tried for a murder case years ago and apparently it was a big news back then but I don't remember, I was probably still in school when it happened. He talked about his life in prison and how very glad he is now that he's out starting anew and moving on.

He pointed out that only 4 lawyers in the country have been jailed where he came from. He got to know prominent people whose cases made the news and even got into a fight with the most arrogant one of them. He said that it takes more than just being tough on the outside to get by as you need to be tougher within. His children were very young when he left them and now they've already graduated. A great deal of help from his family and friends kept him sane through the years.

He is now back to practicing law and is in fact handling a certain case for my boss. You know, I think he's a brilliant lawyer and I think he will be more than that considering that he's been through a lot - probably more passionate and compassionate. We didn't get to stay long for the rest of his story that could have been more interesting.

Back at the office, I did a lot of reading and checking of reports in the afternoon. It's a Friday so I'm more relaxed. An hour before I was off, a friend from another office came to consult me about plans for her daughter's wedding.

You see, I do events planning on the side when I'm not busy to take on another workload. It's a lot of fun and I just love doing it but since I'm also asked to help planning some office events lately, I haven't accepted any offer after an August event. I can't afford to go nuts more than I already am so I'm particular about knowing who my clients are though they're mostly referrals of friends who knows how I work. I'm also involved with the liturgical commission in our archdiocese that I'm often consulted about liturgical stuff thinking that I know a lot - actually, I just happen to know the right people to ask.

Okay, maybe this wasn't something remarkable - but this definitely wasn't my usual day...

Thursday, November 20, 2008

a beautiful man...


There's this really beautiful guy that I haven't seen in person but I can just go nuts imagining that one day he'll sweep me off my feet and our story goes on to happily ever after.

Foolish me to even think that it can
go further than watching him on the tube. Then again that's the massive gift of imagination. It can take you places and give you the pleasure of meeting people behind those faces. Nothing and no one can stop you from knowing and feeling the person.

And so I met him in New York a couple of summers ago during one of his long breaks from work. I was reading a book on a bench at central park and he was circling the place taking pictures of whatever or whoever caught his eye. When I felt that the glare of the sun was too much for me I decided to head home. Holding a book in one hand and a can of pineapple orange juice in the other, I got up from the bench. He was too engrossed clicking his cam while walking. Not surprisingly, we slammed into each other. And for a tall hefty guy to hit me, I was easily knocked down.

That same day, around noon, I was rushing down the subway as I was already late for a meeting. I hurriedly went in as the place was packed and positioned myself standing and clinging at a steel pole for support during the ride. We just started moving when he tapped me at the back, nods and directed me to a seat he just vacated. We smiled, nodded and I thanked him as I took his seat. At the next stop, he looked my way, smiled and nods again and got off.


I was so exhausted from my meeting that went on for hours from lunch to late in the afternoon that I decided to eat out for supper. I went for a quick nap, then took a bath and changed before I went out that evening feeling refreshed. It was almost 7 when I left the apartment and walked to this small resto bar that I regularly eat when I don't feel like cooking. I sat in my regular table and not long after I ordered,
there he was again in front of me holding a bottle of drink, smiling.

When I looked up to him, he immediately introduced himself shyly. We didn't get to those opening lines during our earlier encounters. He asked if I was with someone and if not, if it was okay for him to join me. He was a welcome company of course. He looked Asian and I figured that with the constant nodding and the accent, he must have been Chinese, Japanese or Korean.


We talked about the incidents of our meetings and laughed realizing that it was the third time that our paths crossed that day. I instantly felt at ease chatting with him and though we were both Asians, we communicated in English as I don't understand a single Korean word then. We had a great time that night and it was more gratifying for me considering he paid the bill. We lost track of time that it
was late when he walked me home to my place. Incidentally, he was just staying at an apartment a block away from where I live.

We met again almost every day after that. He was a sporty kind of guy so he became my badminton and running buddy in most of my mornings and we hang out a lot in the evenings to eat at different places, watch
movies or just go sightseeing. I learned a few Korean words from him and he picks up fast in learning my dialect. A month later, he was set to go back home and requested that I drive him to the airport when he leaves.

After unloading his luggage from the car at the airport that day, he turned to me and handed me a piece of paper, sort of a claim slip. He said that he left something for me at a photo developing center near my place. He asked me to pick it up on the way home as it was already finished and paid for. He didn't tell me what it was but he said it's something I might like. Before he went in the terminal, we kissed, hugged, smiled, nodded again and he walked away.

'It was just the thing that will not pass my mind' - I mused and sighed... As instructed, I passed by the developing center and picked up what he left me. I was guessing it probably was a framed photo of a picture that he took during his brief stay. As soon as I reached my place, I hurriedly unwrapped the thing and excitedly pulled it out from it's box.

I smiled when I saw it... a picture of me sitting on a bench at central park reading a book.

At the back of the frame he wrote:
I saw you first...
I will see you again...
- Bae Yong Joon

The capacity
of our imagination
is boundless
and it has led me
to meet such
a beautiful man.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

another change . . .


Today is my mother's 5th death anniversary. A lot of things changed when she
passed away. I didn't noticed it at first but the change was a subtle conversion to what I have to get used to. Maybe it was her way of fading away from life as she was one of those who prepared for her death. A couple of years after she was diagnosed with cancer, she strongly embraced the uncertain change that was to come her way and probably she already felt how huge a change it will be for us.

It is very difficult now that she is gone. I miss her presence so much though I know that I took that for granted when she was just around even during the time she was sick. Sometimes I just freeze up when I can intensely feel her absence as those were times when I do not know where else to go to escape situations.

A toddler learns to walk fast when he can sense that for every fall he makes, he will be cushioned in the arms of his mom who constantly watch him struggle to take every step. The child usually dares to risk to take those steps with such sense of assurance. I don't have that anymore...

I have made so many calculated moves in recent years and once again have become repressed. Those moves though calculated are not always right but at least, it prepared me for possible outcome. I am just afraid that when I dare to risk, I might fall hard as I have done so many times in the past but there's a cushion to ease t
he pain in every fall then.

When a friend recently left our community, I told him that "every journey is about change... I pray that as you experience opportunities for growth and challenges, you also continue in allowing yourself to be held in the shelter of God!" This is an adaptation from something I've read in past that often remain in my thoughts.

This is what I need to embrace the change completely. And probably that thought frequents my mind from the whisper of someone who is prodding me not to be afraid to risk again.

She's still around and holding me as close as she can. I hope that I can be more sensitive to her presence - and be more faithful to be held in the shelter of God...

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

another wing


I came across an article on the net that defines the significance of wings. It says there that "the wings denote spiritual truths because birds in general signify intellectual things and thoughts; consequently wings denote spiritual truths, because all the intellectual is from these truths."

I am no expert on spiritual truths nor on intellectual things and thoughts but in this blog I am hoping to be able to share thoughts, reflections, insights, opinions, views and maybe some truths about experiences in the journey - some may definitely be spiritual but most may just probably be experiences of my quests in life wherever it'll take me.

"Wings also denote truths of faith which have power from good" ... okay, I am not sure if I got what that really meant but well, if it's from good - i hope my entries here will also convey just that. hahaha!

This is just another wing that will carry us flying to phases, places and faces...