Wednesday, August 8, 2012

dreaming of home...


it's almost 2AM and i still can't sleep, watched a marathon of films already. i'm not actually concentrating on the films, i just let it run to make sounds that has somehow kept me focused on deep thoughts. what are these thoughts?! still about the house...

you see, our house needs a lot of work for it to be renovated, for the past 2 years, all i ever think of other than work is how to be able to have our house fixed, repaired especially after the typhoon that hit us about 4 years ago. and yes, that long, unfortunately, we just don't have the resources to have it fixed so it really looks, ugggh, and this is where i live.

the past few hours, i've just been surfing the net, trying to figure out how much i can afford to loan and where, but with meager salary can barely afford to do this for the family. and i am single but it seems like i am also taking care of a big family in the house. i live with my father and my 2 sisters. our distant cousin, his wife and their little boy who is just so adorable also stays with us. they help us with chores at home and look out for tatay  when we go to work during the day.

i have examined all the pros and cons, and my heart is just dying to think about the impossibility of having a house built for the family. i just can't afford it! i just don't know what to do anymore because given another year, i think the whole roof will just fall apart and i just can't seem to think of good solutions that i can afford to have this roof fixed.

i often wonder how it would be if i can just win in the lottery or maybe be found by oprah or whatever make over house shows that will help us build a new house or have this house renovated. but as i let my thoughts freely wander into this, i always end up feeling pathetic because i know it's all just imagination...

this is what made me write here again, just to pour out my frustration and express my prayer:

"God, i know it's too impossible, i just surrender it all to You because my heart is really tired of feeling weary when i think about our situation. if anything at all, i really just want to get this house fixed while tatay is still around so that at least, he'll be able to experience having a better home with us. i know that nanay used to think this same thing for us to make us live better and i miss her so very much.

i just want to let this out, express this thought to You. i ask that You still bestow on me hope and allow me to dream. i only wish for a better home for us to live in as a family. with the roof all rotten and torn, i feel bad that i can't do anything to stop the dripping from te roof when the rain comes, when water flows at the side of the walls, when i see the roof falling apart.

little by little, i only ask that i may be able to find better solutions without increasing debts nor adding to financial difficulties in the family. l pray that You bestow on us this dream or if not, at least, ease the situation by not taking away that chance of dreaming...

i still thank You Lord, amidst everything, You have kept us safe and well. be with us and help me feel You to be more real each day... in Jesus' name. Amen."

ok, i just needed that to be expressed here, this will help me sleep better i guess...