Thursday, September 2, 2010

shutting down...

i have reached the peak of my disappointment at work, i'm exhausted and i'm shutting down...

i've had enough of this nonsense! what system is there to speak of, what direction is there to follow, what vision is there to reach, what government is there to rely upon our concerns?!! i wanted to believe that this time it will be different, maybe i am just impatient like many of us but we've had it for almost a decade, how long must we still wait until we get out of this kind of "politics"?

why i need to shut down???

- i've been trying to hold people together, mediating for different camps, one whose ideas depend on power but without direction, another camp with bright ideas but doesn't have influence to be followed, and then another who are content flowing along wherever the ebb of tide takes them and only cares that they get compensated. such is a selfish meaningless act i no longer want to bear with

- i've been caught in the middle long enough, trying to take care of people above me, those superior than i and take care of those below. the point person for decisions as if this is the promotion i applied for!duh! preside over meetings with the assessors, meetings with employees, meetings with division heads(!) i have to come up with agenda that doesn't even concern my division. the thing is, people have stopped thinking! they have lost their ability to wonder about, to create ideas, to address concerns, to be active. this helplessness is apparent because when you asked 'how they are', they readily respond "okay man". ask them what they mean by that and they will declare "everything's working out well, work is fine, no problem with transactions", BUT what i don't get is that they can't cope with pending transactions, complain they are overloaded with work, lack people to get things accomplished, express difficulty in field work, habitually unable to meet deadlines for reports, others doesn't have work at all - and they're all "okay!" - a stupid word for morons.

- ask them what they can suggest to improve work operations and they can't even state a clear option for you to consider because they are used to being dictated, to being told what to do, to feel restrained - to never use their heads! - again, they will just tell you those same lines about what they lack - what makes them say they're "okay"! people are comfortable being comfortable - a clear definition of inefficiency - pathetic workers! and they get paid for being such.

- only concerned with accomplishing their daily tasks - attending to clients, checking documents, keeping records, assessing properties etc. - errors and issues arising from these they pass it on to you to address, leaving you to figure out how to straighten it - unmindful that it could have been avoided. that is what i call 'lost in translation' - "lost" in the culture of everyday work without understanding that the piece of document we produce can either become a source of settlement or dispute! - no foresight!

- i want to shut down because i am not able to achieve something that makes sense, something that defines why i am where i am, not having fulfillment at all to speak of at the end of the day because i know very well that i can do so much for the institution that i spend so much of my active but wasted time in...

i'm shutting down because of my ideals - unfortunately, i believed.